Bubblegum On Her Butt
(c)1997 by Russell T. Johnson
The Daughters of the Confederacy
Threw a fancy dress ball;
They had some matters they had to discuss
As soon as they'd cleared the hall.
So late in the evening they set up their council
And sent all their gentlemen home
To watch television and smoke their cigars,
Whatever they do when alone.
The matron of the social club
Arrived by limousine.
She had on her sequins and had on her pearls,
As much as you've ever seen.
Her eyes were screened with a veil of lace
Which must have been centuries old.
She wore all her silks and wore all her furs
And she wore all her silver and gold.
The crowd fell hushed. Beneath her stare
The haughty were turned into stone.
They parted the way that the Red Sea did
As she strode up to her throne.
And as she reached the bottom step,
And the windows were drawn shut,
The throng assembled noticed a patch
Of bubblegum on her butt.
There's bubblegum on her butt!
The matron has bubblegum on her butt!
Who's going to tell the queen of the ball
She has bubblegum on her butt?
They tried not to see. They averted their gaze.
They couldn't believe it was true,
But next to the gum, a couple of Lifesavers
Stuck to her hip like glue.
There're Lifesavers stuck to her butt,
Like little spectacles there on her butt,
Peering into that patch of strandy pink
Bubblegum on her butt.
She'd made it to the second step
When a giggle broke into the air,
But the giggle quickly withered away
In the light of her burning stare.
One bowing lady looked right up.
She couldn't believe her eyes.
She whispered to a nearby friend,
"I saw Twinkie on her thighs!"
There's Twinkie cake and two Lifesavers
And bubblegum on her butt.
The most powerful woman in all the land
Has bubblegum on her butt.
As if the matron's derriere
Were not enough defaced,
A tic-tac constellation
Rose up almost to her waist.
There's bubblegum on my lady's butt,
And Lifesavers stuck like glue!
There's Twinkie cake and Tic-tacs
And I'll bet there's Milk Dud's, too.
Step by step did she ascend.
No one had yet dare speak
About the "Good and Plenty" box
That advertised her cheek.
They tried to stop their laughter,
But they lost all control
When a glimpse of petticoat revealed
A dangling Tootsie Roll.
She hollered, "You all be silent!
I demand you show respect!"
Just then an all-day sucker fell
And clattered on the deck.
The laughter quickly muffled,
But then rose to a roar
When someone in the back row
Asked about her "candy store."
Her eyes grew wide. Her lips grew thin.
Her veins throbbed in her head.
And then she hissed. Man, she was pissed.
And then the noise fell dead.
Her collar swelled. Her face grew hot.
Her ears began to smoke.
"Will one of you please let me in
On this infernal joke?"
The crowd stood shocked and shaking,
They trembled in their shoes.
No one was going to volunteer.
They had too much to lose.
One little girl all dressed in pink
Stepped out past the crowd.
She cleared her throat and she addressed
The matron clear and loud.
"We laugh, it's true, though not at you.
It has something to do with your dress.
Before the ball did you go to a show?
You went to a movie, I guess."
"I try to be mostly respectful,
But I simply can't keep my mouth shut.
You picked one of the seats that was littered with sweets,
And now they're all stuck to your butt."
The matron gritted her spiny teeth
And reached one hand round her back,
And after some fishing about pulled out
A fistful of Cracker-Jack.
"So that was all," said the queen of the ball,
As she rolled her eyes in disgust.
"I've got sugary treats on my barn-door butt!
Go ahead and laugh, if you must."
A flood of relief rose in the hall.
The child had rescued the day.
And generous laughter soon cleared out the air,
But the matron had something to say:
"The only one here who has any nerve
Is this ten-year-old little lass.
And as for the rest of you,
If my butt's so sweet, kiss my ass!"
She said other things like, "Bite me,"
Then she bade them all, "Go to hell."
All things considered, said and done,
I think she took it well.
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