Presented here for your amusement is a quiz that was sent to me anonymously. Supposedly, if you answer 20 of the 25 questions correctly, you have probably been abducted by extraterrestrials. If you answer all 25 correctly, you are likely a very special and miserable person.
By the way, I was sent the quiz without the key. Please don't e-mail me your answers. I don't know the right answers and I don't want to try to grade quizzes. As usual, though, your comments are welcome.
1) We call them "extraterrestrials" because... a) it's just a guess that they're from another planet. b) we have more of them than we need. c) we assume they're from another dimension. d) they're from inside the earth. e) they're from another time. 2) Tiny cuts and scars appear mysteriously... a) when the weather is cold and dry. b) mainly on your fingers and knuckles. c) behind your knees and in the bends of your elbows. d) on your legs and arms. e) You don't notice mysterious cuts or scars. 3) How many fingers? (Thumbs count as fingers.) a) one b) two c) three d) four e) more than four 4) Extraterrestrial craft most often resemble... a) gigantic silver domes or glowing jellyfish. b) bat-a-rangs. c) cigars or airships d) either (a) or (b) e) saucers, pie plates, souffle cups, tupperware. 5) How many races of extraterrestrials are visiting or living on the Earth. a) one b) two c) three d) four e) more than four 6) How long have extraterrestrials been visiting the Earth? a) Since before recorded history. b) Since the time of Moses. c) Since the time of Jesus. d) Since October 13, 1307. e) Since 1947. 7) Nobody else seems to hear this but you. a) radio static b) a phone-line fax signal c) a water fountain d) a low-frequency hum e) mumbling 8) Fatty foods make you... a) break out in red spots. b) sleepy. c) hork up phlegm. d) unusually thirsty, I mean REALLY thirsty. e) I have no peculiar symptoms associated with fatty foods. 9) You never experienced this before, but lately, this common nonprescription drug causes your mind to race. a) aspirin b) tobacco c) rolaids d) coffee e) I have noticed no unusual reactions to the abovementioned drugs. 10) Extraterrestrials conduct anal probes.... a) to observe our reaction to the indignity. b) using an oblong metallic device attatched to the wall by an umbilical. c) to determine the subject's general state of health. d) because Medicare pays for it. e) Extraterrestrials do not conduct anal probes. 11) You'd feel a lot better if you could just have... a) a good night's sleep followed by a good solid dump. b) the right woman(man) by your side. c) some stability. d) a steady job. e) some time alone to work things out. 12) Thirty seconds before you vomit, you feel... a) a tightness in your solar plexus. b) a light touch on your throat just above the sternum. c) a pressure on your temples. d) nauseous. e) a twitching in your belly just below your belt buckle. 13) At the most unusual times you get... a) gas. b) the joke. c) chapped lips. d) money. e) over it. 14) Where does it hurt? a) the head b) the feet c) the butt d) (a) and (b) e) (a), (b) and (c) 15) You feel that you are being... a) chosen. b) punished. c) harassed. d) persecuted. e) some, all, or none of the above. You can't tell. 16) When the extraterrestrials arrive at your bedside, the first thing(s) they usually examine is (are)... a) your feet, calves and shins. b) your eyes. c) your scalp. d) your sex organs. e) your fingers and hands. 17) Who has eyes in the back of his head? a) the slender grey aliens b) you and Mr. Potato Head c) the Nordic-looking aliens d) the reptilian aliens e) the short, dark aliens 18) When you talk to people about your "problem..." a) they listen sympathetically. b) they tell you to snap out of it. c) You don't discuss your problem. Period. d) they laugh it off and try to pretend you are joking. e) You don't discuss your problem because you know you won't be taken seriously. 19) What are you afraid of? a) death b) loss of, or separation from loved ones c) the government d) nothing specific e) the apocalypse 20) The freemasons... a) don't have any "secret mysteries" that are worth knowing. b) pretend that they are responsible for a lot of the mischief actually caused by extraterrestrials. c) drink like fish and drive toy cars in parades. d) are using this quiz to locate and identify people like you. e) all of the above. 21) Which of these stream-of-consciousness blathers makes the most sense to you? a) chill remote sneeze sun-hot metal in my head spinning beanie can't stretch no satisfaction lasagna ether b) rope dog twist lemon-fresh anchor sore stumble on nothing you're all blind fog rat brick brick foghorn chicken c) camp still cascading milk snot snail eagle's flight feather pope can't sit still busy buzz tinitis harping yellow stain d) lasagna pastor Nostradamus fire bucket kick goal score draw write wrong rung ladder step shallow marshmallow e) fifty-one nurse beanie-boy flash eagle troop partner dip skid row poot itchy chigger powder sprinkler take a breather 22) My most secret sexual fantasies... a) involve well-known entertainment personalities. b) are violent. c) change from day to day. d) revolve around abductions. e) require more than two people. 23) When you get out of a hot shower and look in the mirror, you can see... a) involuntary twitching of your pectoral muscles. b) profuse sweating from your forehead. c) rosy spots around tiny bumps on your back and sides. d) in your neck, swollen nodes, which shrink to normal size once you cool off. e) a crescent-shaped bloodmark. 24) A long time ago... a) you had an imaginary friend. b) you had spinal meningitis. c) extraterrestrials planted latent messages in the DNA of certain people. d) your eyes went horrifically bloodshot for no apparent reason. e) you came close to dying. 25) When you were born... a) as far as you know, everything was more or less normal. b) there were some medical problems which required the intervention of a physician beyond a c-section or epidural. c) you were born prematurely. d) you were a late-term baby. e) there was a very peculiar circumstance or coincidence, apparently unrelated to the medical situation.
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