IF THE PRESIDENT WROTE HIS OWN SPEECH

by Russell T. Johnson

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Making fun of a man's accent or diction is the cheapest laugh, the easiest shot, the lowest standard of literary humor. It's the literary equivalent of a pratfall. It's plain old ridicule and only achieves the status of satire in that it's the leader of the world's most powerful nation that talks this way. The man went to Yale (He might not have gone to class, but he went to Yale.) and he talks like a guy you'd find sitting on a park bench on a corner in downtown Leslie peeling curls off a hickory plank with a barlow knife. (Leslie used to hold whittling contests, so I'm not insulting them.) Here goes:

My Fellamercans:

I am pleased to announce that trade sanctions against Libya are being lifted. This change in policy is a direck result of Colonel Quaddafi ending his programs to develop nucyalur weapons and opening his faculties for inspection. Make no mistake. The message unequivocably is that nucyalur paliferation will not be tolerated and cooperation with innernational authorities will be met with results. This rogue nation of Libya which has for so long fusterated the innernational community's pursuit of peace is now the beneficiarary of Colonel Quaddafi's decision to become reckonized as an intrical member of the neighborhood of peaceful nations.

On the subject of the varmint, today I have arthurized the coastal wetlands most vunerable to deteriation are being placed under the pertection of the Clean Water Ack. There are many left-leaning pundints who have expressed mixed fillings about this change and acccuse my administeration of having alterior motives, of changing the rules in order to immunate rility owners of propity involved in lawsuits by allowing them to invade the statue of limitations. They focus on some insignificant species becoming ecstink and fail to see the big pitcher.

My team is making in roads to improve excess to education, to arthurize more money for school libaries, to reglarly test student preformance and to earmark federal funds for discretionary spending by local school districks and not by the federal high arky.

On the subject of a rock, we take it for granite that former bath leaders not be disincentivized. Under the former regime they were the perfessionals with the training and experience to run the functions of the country infastructure. The inexcapable reality on the ground is that this enfranchised parties become fusterated and sometimes lead to violet incidentses.

Eksedera.

Humanitarian aid to developing African and South American nations hit hard by disease and famine we reckonize is intrical to our foreign policy stragedy to make developing nations more hospitable to American businesses and their subsideraries. The stastistix are pacific about the spread of insect born disease. We are helping rid Vanzawayla, Bullova, Allergeria, Nambia and Zamibia of the scourge of malaria by providing them with mosquito propellant.

Now we as a nation stand posed on the on the start of the future. The first country to send an asternaut to the moon we now set our horizons on the heighth of Mars, and Americans all acrost this great land of ours from Hawaya to Massatushets look to Warshington for guidance in sculpturing that future. With God's help and stick-to-it-iveness we will go together into a simyular future we can not yet exackly fantom. Although we trust in providents that our children will. Thank you and good night.

RTJ--4/22/2004

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